I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
