when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
