the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
