This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The feeling are messing with the penis
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
