I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
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Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
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As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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