Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
