There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
