you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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