Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
