i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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