Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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