i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
