Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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