Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
