Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
