Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
