he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
