I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
