I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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