the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
