the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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