grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
