ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
