You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
