If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
