Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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