you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
