I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
