We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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