toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
