i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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