I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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