you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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