Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
