Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
