omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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