You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
