I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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