Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
you inspire me to be a worse person
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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