My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
