Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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