So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
