think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
