Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
