I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
