If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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