My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
