So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I did not marry a roomba.
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