I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
