Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
