my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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