Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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