In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
